Editor Jodie
Renner returns to critique another first five pages of a GFW Writer member's work-in-progress. Jodie is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, mysteries, romantic
suspense and other crime fiction, as well as YA and historical fiction. The author of the piece below has graciously allowed us to post the critique, but will remain anonymous.
“Who the hell does he think he is?!!”
Charlotte Bellagio brooded as
she considered the hurt that filled her heart. [A
bit of a confusing beginning. Who is she mad at, and why? Also, can leave out
“as she considered the hurt that filled her heart” and leave it at “brooded.”]
She willed a smile to her face as she nodded at her table companions [who is she sitting with?] where they who had all gathered
for this much anticipated event. Most of her breakfast went untouched;, but if her tablemates
noticed her mood they didn’t acknowledge it. She kept her heart hidden and the
other guests didn’t pay much attention to her anyway. [Why
not?]
Charlotte’s fellow convention guests were not aware of
[We’re in Charlotte’s point of view here and she
doesn’t really know if the others are aware of her feelings or not. Don’t jump
into other people’s heads – that’s called head-hopping] the tumult
inside her as they
waited for the TV show host to make his appearance. Even so she made an effort
to relax her shoulders and took a deep breath. [Too
many “as” phrases above and below (highlighted). Best to vary sentence
structure.]
“That’s good,” she thought as her muscles began to relax. [What’s good? And why are her muscles relaxing now? Best not
to have her relax now as nothing has really happened to make her relax, and
it’s good to maintain tension. Tension and conflict are what drive fiction
forward and keep readers turning the pages.]
Charlotte looked at the clock on the wall and realized
that her sister had not come back down from their hotel room. [I’d take out “looked at the clock and realized,” as it’s not
the clock that makes her realize her sister isn’t back. Instead, tell how she’s
feeling about her sister not being back yet.] Her heart rate climbed. [Why does her sister taking her time coming back make her
heart rate climb? A bit of an over-reaction, maybe?] Jen was taking too
long to get the cell phone she had left behind; Char needed moral support if she was going to
confront the man who had
unceremoniously dumped her and broke her heart. [Best
to avoid semicolons (;) in fiction, and definitely keep them out of dialogue.
Replace with a dash, comma, or period, whichever works best.]
Charlotte’s heart squeezed a bit [avoid
qualifiers like “a bit”, “kind of,” “sort of,” etc.] with fear and
longing. [I don’t know about “heart squeezed” – maybe
“beat faster.”]
Char sat up straight and clenched her fists. She worriedly looked
around then back at the door desperate for Jennie to walk in. Charlotte didn’t
think she could do it with no visible support. [This
idea of her waiting for her sister is repeated several times – best to just say
it once or twice.]
There, across
the room was Mark Vale—the object of her ire. He hosts [need past tense here - hosted or was the host of] the
Explorer Channel’s Location Encounters, one of her favorite TV shows. The handsome man [We already know his name so “the handsome man” seems
strange, like she’s just seeing him for the first time and doesn’t know who he
is.] strode in the
room; [he’s already in the room – he sauntered
in above] well-formed legs [I don’t know about
describing a man’s “well-formed legs…?] filled blue jeans, snake skin
boots, t-shirt covered biceps swelled a bit as his arm bent to wave while manly hands used to
hard work the loyal fans greeted [Avoid body parts
doing disembodied things, like they’re separate: “his arm bent to wave” “manly
hands…greeted the fans”.] while blue-green eyes
sparkled at the crowd of adoring females. [Two “while”
in one sentence.]
The convention crowd gathered at the Drake Hotel in
Chicago by invitation only from Mark himself as a “thank you” [How does she know all this?] for all the work they’dve
done to help him launch the new online website that helpeds
kids, teens, and young adults learn how to change their mindset so they cancould
be the best that they can be. [Sentence started in past
tense then switched to present tense. Stay in past tense.]
Mark had come [past perfect
tense (“past past”) to show events that happened before this scene] came
up with the idea while on various locations throughout the world. He had seen saw rural
kids in non-industrialized countries working in the fields when they weren’t
much more than babies. [How does Charlotte know all
this?] They lived in dirt floored huts and often several generations
lived within one dwelling. It was a simple way of life and as long as there was
enough to eat the kids seemed happy enough. They didn’t know what they didn’t
have. Parents of children in poor nations didn’t seem to have as hard of a time
with discipline as the parents of children in rich nations did. [How does she know this, and is it
relevant to the present story? Too much detail here, interrupting the story
line. We’re losing the main focus – that Charlotte has been hurt by Mark and
wants to confront him about it.]
[Above and below, we’ve switched from Charlotte’s
point of view to Mark’s POV. Best to stick with one viewpoint per scene.]
So he came up with an idea to take at risk, and
spoiled kids, then putting them and an adult in a remote
village somewhere far from the US. Too far from civilization to try to run
away, the kids hads
no choice but to live and work alongside folks that exist in a completely
different way from the modern world. Mark believes believed that when kids are put in this environment,
away from video games, permissive parents, non-stop TV, iPods, expensive
clothes, drugs, alcohol, gangs, and generally negative attitudes, they learn
what really matters in life. It’s for kids of any socioeconomic class, race,
religion, etc. [Too much telling and backstory here.
The story has come to a grinding halt while we’re filled in on Mark’s
background.]
Mark and his crew were in Chicago to thank each fan
who helped to get this off the ground. This is was the welcome breakfast portion of the day. [Above seems to be told from Mark’s point of view, then
starting in the next paragraph, we’re back to Charlotte’s POV – head-hopping.]
Although Charlotte no longer kept up with Mark’s
website she had to come to the convention when the invitation arrived in the
mail. She planned to [back to Charlotte’s point of
view] confront Mark Vale and tear into him – right here in front of
everyone. He had caught her off guard last time
and all she could do was stand there and take it. Her mind went blank. Her
muscles would not move. So now she would tell him off. With the newfound
confidence she’d gained she couldn’t just let
this go without at least saying something! How could he have done this to her?
She was so angry she couldn‘t see straight. And she didn’t deserve what she
got.
The festivities continued
as Mark introduced each
person who helped build the website and personally hands handed the awards to them. [Back
to present tense – stay in past tense for the whole story.] Most of the
ladies go went
weak in the knees when given a kiss on the cheek. [We’re
in Charlotte’s point of view, and she wouldn’t know how the ladies are feeling
inside.] A few try tried to go for his lips. One aims
aimed with her tongue.
Mark Vale’s looks are were robust, sturdy, yet proportioned well. His
chestnut colored hair had has [need past tense] just enough wave to compliment the
feathered style that reaches reached his collar length in
the back. His blue/green eyes twinkled twinkle
with a hint of mischief, and he went clean shaven most of the time
– unless his show dictates dictated
otherwise. With his large [tall?] frame, around six 6 feet tall, he
and
looks
looked like he’d be equally at home in the woods
hunting deer, fishing for crab on the ocean, or in the double breasted suit of
a businessman. Especially when wearing a pair of Levi’s. [Maybe just “he looked like he’d be equally at home in jeans
or a suit.”]
When the morning merriment ends
ended, her Charlotte’s breakfast companions returned and told her that
Mark is was
up on the platform posing for pictures with fans and signing autographs. [Previous sentence needs to be in past tense like the next
one is.] Charlotte saw her chance and positioned herself at the end of a
very long line. Good. This way she would be able to rip him an even bigger
hole.
When the crowd of guests thinned out she
scrutinized him fraternizing with a couple of ladies who were getting
autographs and pictures. As the women stepped away from Mark he looked up and
his eyes widened with surprise when they fell on Charlotte. Not happily so
either. She smiled. A big smile complete with teeth. When Charlotte reached
Mark he growled softly through his teeth now in a mock smile,
“Who let you in here?”
At this Charlotte produced her invitation
and held it up to his eye level. Charlotte challenged, “Why do you hate me so
much? I never hurt you! What the hell is your problem?”
The story is starting to heat up here. Definitely
getting interesting. Once you solved the head-hopping issues and put everything
in past tense, and leave most of the backstory details about Mark for later,
this story will really take off! Good luck with it!
13 comments:
Thanks, Ruby and Susie, for inviting me to critique the opening of a story here at Greater Fort Worth Writers!
I hope aspiring authors find my comments and suggestions helpful.
My but you are thorough. Off topic with a question, what do you think makes one thriller stand out from others in the same genre?
My pages didn't get chosen, but I wish they had. Getting a critique like this would be immensely helpful. I'm keeping your name in my file for the time my manuscript is ready for an editor such as you.
Thorne, what makes one thriller stand out from the others? That's easy: Character and voice.
Create a strong, likeable, charismatic, courageous, dedicated/tenacious protagonist with some vulnerability and flaws and inner conflict, and give him/her an appealing, authentic voice, and you've got it made.
Good luck with that!
Thanks for your kind words, Ruby, and thanks for inviting me to your excellent blog!
Thank you so much Jodie. Your comments and suggestions are most helpful. I appreciate it. :)
Good to hear, Claire! Keep on writing!
Good stuff Jodie! Reading these always makes me think of things I need to clean up in my own writing. Thank you so much for all the detail.
You're welcome, J.A. Glad to be of help. :)
Jodie, thanks, I am wowed by your critique. I am going to apply the information you gave to my own work. A question: when and for what purpose are thoughts in italics used? I've used this technique to capture a random thought, but I could be wrong. Also thanks for your statement, "Thoughts in in italics should be in present tense." I learned something.
Bethany Spotts
"Best to avoid semicolons (;) in fiction, and definitely keep them out of dialogue. Replace with a dash, comma, or period." I was a bit chocked when I read this. I use (;) all the time, and I write fiction. I have always operated under the premise that punctuation could be likened to length of time stoppage desired. (, 1 second, ; 2 seconds, :3 seconds, . 4 seconds.) Any thoughts on this Jodie?
Hi Bethany,
Thoughts can be in regular font for an indirect thought in third-person, past tense, like: She wondered what he saw in her, or What did he see in her, anyway? or in italics for direct thoughts, in first-person, present tense, like, What does he see in her? or What a loser. (These last two would be in italics.)
For more on writing thoughts, see my blog post: Expressing Thought-Reactions in Fiction at http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/2012/06/expressing-thought-reactions-in-fiction.html, or my e-book, Style, Pacing & Voice.
Hi Jeff,
I agree with you about the pauses, but semicolons are considered a bit too "correct" and maybe a bit stuffy in fiction. If you decide to use them, as some writers do, use them sparingly and not in dialogue, which is considered too casual to be so grammar-conscious and correct. So for dialogue, it's best to choose between a comma, dash or period.
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